Thinking that dropping my cell phone in the lake *oops* has given me a nice break from it. While I am nervous to see if they are able to retrieve my pictures and contacts etc *please please please* it has also been a very lovely, quiet week - Holla at my on the land line friends. I feel free AF!
Loving Kelly LeVeque's Body Love book, it's my new bible. Just read it.
My happy place is watching America's Got Talent - definitely the best thing on TV in summer. My 3 favs are Preacher Lawson the comedian, the young girl ventriloquist and the dog acts.
Wishing summer would heat the hell back up and stick around for a while! Today I start another week of holidays and am hoping we get some nice weather for our canoe trip! I am not ready for fall!
Looking forward to TRANSFER MONTH!! It is here, I started the 4-6 week process today. Please send me all the good vibes, I am anxious and nervous as all hell. This is our one shot to transfer our perfect frozen embaby!
Admitting my summer to do list is coming along very slowly. Hoping to paint our door next week. I am thinking Rogelio de la Vega would approve, if you catch my drift. I discovered this amazing app called Colour Sap, you take a picture of whatever you want to paint and then can play around with the colours, its amazing, way better then trying to decide from a tiny paint chip. My family photo wall supplies have all been purchased and I have wrapping paper outlines on my walls...so getting close on that project, just need to hang and then fill the frames *argh*
Deciding on a new camera to buy. I am going to sell my Cannon 60D with all the lens, bag, million accessories and backtrack to an easier, smaller, camera. I am looking at the mirrorless cameras. I want one that is small, portable, easy to hold, has wifi uploading, take great pics and is an awesome, easy camera..if you have any suggestions please let me know! Looking at the Fuji XA3, Sony A500 or Cannon G1X Mark 2
Well that is all for today...
Have a fabulous weekend!
xo
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Friday, August 11, 2017
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
If I'm being honest...thoughts on infertility
If I'm being honest this infertility journey of ours sucks the big one.
Sometimes it sucks less, like when I see friends having to give up fun time for kid duties or when their kids are crying and screaming, but mostly it just sucks.
It's this pain that's right there, barely below the surface, and one wrong thought or look at something baby related and the tears leak. I say leak because I often can't feel them or stop them, they just leak out like my heart is crying and my head can't stop them.
Lately, I question whether I want children at all and then I question, is that only because of this situation? I truly don't know. I am a very optimistic person so then I think maybe this is just the way it is?
I have developed a strange relationship with baby things. Most people can relate to seeing a baby outfit or cute toy and getting the warm feeling of excitement and wonder and joy. Well, that's gone for me, now I feel emptiness, detachment and a little bit of hate. Does this go away?
I am scared about IVF because I already know all about the joy of finding out you're pregnant, but sadly I also know about the fear that comes with losing 4 pregnancies. I fear that if IVF does work for us, I won't feel the joy and there will be no excitement for us. Will I like baby stuff again? Will it make me happy? Will I have an attachment to the baby?
I watch friends with all their innocent happiness in complete baby mode and envy their journey that seems so effortless. Every time I see a baby announcement on social media, it feels like a punch in the gut. I wonder if we will get to use one someday or will it just be another unused one? Will I get the chance to complain about a #babybump or brag about #bestbabyever ?
I do feel joy and excitement for friends and family and their babies, but I also feel pain. If our situation was different, would I know what to say to say to someone in our position? I am not sure I would, it's pretty impossible to understand if you haven't been through it. That being said, I feel a deep appreciation to our friends and family who make such an effort for us. I hope our situation opens your eyes to what others may be going through and makes you sensitive to people's unknown situations.
I am not trying to say it's all bad because it's not. This journey has strengthened our relationship and made us so open and unbelievably caring and understanding of each other. We have made a point to spoil ourselves and make the best of our summer and time together and for this, I am truly grateful!
Sometimes it sucks less, like when I see friends having to give up fun time for kid duties or when their kids are crying and screaming, but mostly it just sucks.
It's this pain that's right there, barely below the surface, and one wrong thought or look at something baby related and the tears leak. I say leak because I often can't feel them or stop them, they just leak out like my heart is crying and my head can't stop them.
Lately, I question whether I want children at all and then I question, is that only because of this situation? I truly don't know. I am a very optimistic person so then I think maybe this is just the way it is?
I have developed a strange relationship with baby things. Most people can relate to seeing a baby outfit or cute toy and getting the warm feeling of excitement and wonder and joy. Well, that's gone for me, now I feel emptiness, detachment and a little bit of hate. Does this go away?
I am scared about IVF because I already know all about the joy of finding out you're pregnant, but sadly I also know about the fear that comes with losing 4 pregnancies. I fear that if IVF does work for us, I won't feel the joy and there will be no excitement for us. Will I like baby stuff again? Will it make me happy? Will I have an attachment to the baby?
I watch friends with all their innocent happiness in complete baby mode and envy their journey that seems so effortless. Every time I see a baby announcement on social media, it feels like a punch in the gut. I wonder if we will get to use one someday or will it just be another unused one? Will I get the chance to complain about a #babybump or brag about #bestbabyever ?
I do feel joy and excitement for friends and family and their babies, but I also feel pain. If our situation was different, would I know what to say to say to someone in our position? I am not sure I would, it's pretty impossible to understand if you haven't been through it. That being said, I feel a deep appreciation to our friends and family who make such an effort for us. I hope our situation opens your eyes to what others may be going through and makes you sensitive to people's unknown situations.
I am not trying to say it's all bad because it's not. This journey has strengthened our relationship and made us so open and unbelievably caring and understanding of each other. We have made a point to spoil ourselves and make the best of our summer and time together and for this, I am truly grateful!
Our next steps are to dig through a giant stack of IVF contracts and sign a hundred pages, get training on all the medications and processes and wait for our date to begin (we hear this fall/winter).
I hesitate in posting this one as I feel vulnerable and negative and I know other people may be going through worse. I also don't want to take away from anyone's joy of their babies and pregnancies #debbiedowneralert. Daily, we are reminded of how lucky we are for everything we have, especially with what is going on in the world today. I am thankful for a million things in our lives, but this blog is my outlet for being honest and open, and if I'm really being honest, I just need to say one last time, infertility sucks and it's hard and I hurt.
I hesitate in posting this one as I feel vulnerable and negative and I know other people may be going through worse. I also don't want to take away from anyone's joy of their babies and pregnancies #debbiedowneralert. Daily, we are reminded of how lucky we are for everything we have, especially with what is going on in the world today. I am thankful for a million things in our lives, but this blog is my outlet for being honest and open, and if I'm really being honest, I just need to say one last time, infertility sucks and it's hard and I hurt.
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Baby Update; our trip to the fertility clinic
Last week was our long awaited appointment with the fertility/multiple miscarriage expert and I am happy to say we have a plan, although it's not exactly what we were hoping for.
Arriving at the clinic was very surreal, Jeff and I were having a great weekend away and I kind of forgot the reason for our trip, until we stepped off the elevator at the clinic; let me tell you shit got real, really fast.
It was a strange place, so many people and doctors running all over the place and couples of all sorts waiting. We sat down to wait for our appointment, surrounded by huge brochures on infertility yoga, coping with loss, counseling services, IVF, IVF with genetic screening, IUI, apple fritters and coffee, while Katy Perry -Firework played on repeat (or maybe it just felt like it was). A couple beside us went in for their appointment and shortly later came back, the girl sat in the chair next to me just sobbing. Then another lady went up to the desk to ask some questions, just pouring with tears.
It was one of those super strange experiences where you almost have an out of body moment. As we sat there amoungst the sobs, Katy Perry, fritters and overwhelming information, I thought to myself..."so this is our story eh...not how I saw this baby thing playing out."
I know I am not the first person to go through this, it was just that moment of realizing we were actually there, at a fertility clinic, awaiting our news.
And for the record I have an idea for fertility clinics. Hold the fritters #aintnobodyneedafritter and give me some puppies to hang out with before/between appointments. I would have had a very different experience if instead of crying women and depressing brochures, there was this in the corner of the waiting room...
I digress...it was our turn to go meet the Dr., who took one look at our file and said "humf, I usually don't see patients of Dr.X until the OR room for ivf." Then he left the room. Jeff and I sat there thinking, what the efff.
He came back and we quickly realized he is one of these older Dr.s who says exactly what they are thinking with zero filter, although that's not necessarily a bad thing. He then explained that there is no reason someone my age with good health has had all these miscarriages. The last one was lost because of a genetic abnormality, but we don't know about the others. He told me I have PCOM, which he said is like PCOS, but with the only symptom being hyper stimulated follicles. So I was at least happy to have found some possible cause...although in the last 5 mins of our appointment he said "ohh wait you don't have PCOM, your scan was normal." WTF?! lol
We almost should have brought a 3rd party note taker who isn't emotionally or directly tied to our situation to brief us on the appointment, after the appointment haha
The Dr recommended that we do IVF with genetic testing, as this will be our best chance for a healthy baby(ies). We are still learning all about the process and everything it will involve and more importantly for our date to start. Thankfully the Ontario government recently started funding (as in January 2016) 1 round of IVF, which is amazing, but as you can imagine the list is already quite lengthy. We should hear in a couple weeks when our start date will be between January and March 2017.
Being the non patient person I am, this was the hardest part for me, I really don't want to wait so long, but then again I am sure time will go by very quickly. When I told my grandma everything she said "don't even worry, because it's already been written." I will just have to remind myself this as I try and be patient.
In very exciting news, we become Godparents in May which is the greatest honour in the world, to my life long friend Amanda's son George! One of my best friend's had baby girl named Autumn in March, which I cannot wait to spoil all summer, when they get back to town and my sister is pregnant with a little girl expected in August - so very very very exciting times ahead!
Arriving at the clinic was very surreal, Jeff and I were having a great weekend away and I kind of forgot the reason for our trip, until we stepped off the elevator at the clinic; let me tell you shit got real, really fast.
It was a strange place, so many people and doctors running all over the place and couples of all sorts waiting. We sat down to wait for our appointment, surrounded by huge brochures on infertility yoga, coping with loss, counseling services, IVF, IVF with genetic screening, IUI, apple fritters and coffee, while Katy Perry -Firework played on repeat (or maybe it just felt like it was). A couple beside us went in for their appointment and shortly later came back, the girl sat in the chair next to me just sobbing. Then another lady went up to the desk to ask some questions, just pouring with tears.
It was one of those super strange experiences where you almost have an out of body moment. As we sat there amoungst the sobs, Katy Perry, fritters and overwhelming information, I thought to myself..."so this is our story eh...not how I saw this baby thing playing out."
I know I am not the first person to go through this, it was just that moment of realizing we were actually there, at a fertility clinic, awaiting our news.
And for the record I have an idea for fertility clinics. Hold the fritters #aintnobodyneedafritter and give me some puppies to hang out with before/between appointments. I would have had a very different experience if instead of crying women and depressing brochures, there was this in the corner of the waiting room...
 | |||
| Bucket of puppies! |
I digress...it was our turn to go meet the Dr., who took one look at our file and said "humf, I usually don't see patients of Dr.X until the OR room for ivf." Then he left the room. Jeff and I sat there thinking, what the efff.
He came back and we quickly realized he is one of these older Dr.s who says exactly what they are thinking with zero filter, although that's not necessarily a bad thing. He then explained that there is no reason someone my age with good health has had all these miscarriages. The last one was lost because of a genetic abnormality, but we don't know about the others. He told me I have PCOM, which he said is like PCOS, but with the only symptom being hyper stimulated follicles. So I was at least happy to have found some possible cause...although in the last 5 mins of our appointment he said "ohh wait you don't have PCOM, your scan was normal." WTF?! lol
We almost should have brought a 3rd party note taker who isn't emotionally or directly tied to our situation to brief us on the appointment, after the appointment haha
The Dr recommended that we do IVF with genetic testing, as this will be our best chance for a healthy baby(ies). We are still learning all about the process and everything it will involve and more importantly for our date to start. Thankfully the Ontario government recently started funding (as in January 2016) 1 round of IVF, which is amazing, but as you can imagine the list is already quite lengthy. We should hear in a couple weeks when our start date will be between January and March 2017.
Being the non patient person I am, this was the hardest part for me, I really don't want to wait so long, but then again I am sure time will go by very quickly. When I told my grandma everything she said "don't even worry, because it's already been written." I will just have to remind myself this as I try and be patient.
In very exciting news, we become Godparents in May which is the greatest honour in the world, to my life long friend Amanda's son George! One of my best friend's had baby girl named Autumn in March, which I cannot wait to spoil all summer, when they get back to town and my sister is pregnant with a little girl expected in August - so very very very exciting times ahead!
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Optimism 101: Baby Update
1 month post miscarriage and I am finally feeling like myself again and in the spirit of that, here is everything I am loving about NOT being pregnant right now (I call it Optimism 101)
- drinking WINE
- eating spiced meats with wine
- having energy
- drinking WINE
- hot baths
- eating raw cookie dough
- not wondering if I can or cannot eat something
- going snowboarding
- going snowboarding
- feeling goooood!
For now, we are going to try and enjoy every minute of this!
I ended up having a d&c in January, which compared to the miscarriages i've had at home, was surprisingly pleasant, you wake up and its just over. This is not to say I wasn't heart broken, empty and a hormonal disaster, because I sure was, but I had the most amazing team of doctors and nurses and with my mother by my side. I could not have been in better hands!
Recently new is the ability for doctors to send the fetus away for testing to see if their was a genetic abnormality. Our doc. has no luck with his patients even getting a result, however last Friday, after I completely forgot about this I got a call from him saying they did get a result and it was a genetic abnormality - Trisomy 16. It happens in 1% of pregnancies...1bloody percent! (I feel like I'm winning the shit lottery) lol There is no telling what happened with the other ones, but it may have been the same (I should buy a lottery ticket). The good news is that this means I am not left wondering if its something with me like needing more progesterone or taking aspirin etc, its something I could have done nothing about.
Our doctor says there is nothing to say our next pregnancy wouldn't be normal, but then again after 4 we aren't ready to find out. He is sending us to meet with a Fertility Dr in April who specializes in multiple miscarriages. He will do some testing and our doctor thinks he will either recommend rolling the dice and trying again or genetic IVF. Which means not only a petrie dish baby...but petrie dish baby where you hand select and screen the ingredients. The IVF process seems so far away, expensive and intense - so for now imma just drink my wine in the hot tub with spiced meats and raw cookie dough haha ;) maybe not in that order!
Trip Recap and Shalini's Wedding coming soon!
Happy Valentine's Weekend!
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
So long 2015...looking forward to a brighter, better 2016!
Well this has been a year...
One that tested our patience, faith, relationship and personal strength. In this previous post I filled you in on our journey to babies, and unfortunately the update is not what I hoped it would be.
In July, I had my 3rd miscarriage and as I write this I am waiting to schedule our 4th pregnancy to end. To face 2 miscarriages on Christmas, 2 years in a row, has been very difficult, especially when you add in our wedding anniversary on Dec 28th. Overall we have been trying for a year and a half with 4 m.c in the last year.
We have been seeing a fertility specialist for a year, and have done some testing that has revealed nothing. This current pregnancy has gone the furthest, I should be 9 weeks, although the baby has not developed to that level and while we had a heart beat last week, today there was not one. We see the Dr. tomorrow (NYE lol) to find out what we do to end this pregnancy - D and C or the pills.
I have felt numb, detached, and nearly inconsolable. 2015 should have been sponsored by Kleenex.
This should have been our announcement in January....
I share this because infertility and miscarriage loss is a lonely, lonely place. I have found a few bloggers who have shared their journey and I have found that the most comforting of all. (If you are interested check out A Slice of Style.) Although, we are also very lucky to have many amazing friends and family who have been very supportive. I believe the only way to survive such a trying experience is to be open, because this is not something you can get through on your own. Thank you to my family and friends who have been there for us this last year. I am sure they may have had no idea what to say, but you didn't need to, just being there, giving a hug is all that we have needed.
So...now what? At our last appointment with the specialist we asked, if this doesn't work - then what? As the planner in me needed Plan B. He suggested that we move straight to IVF to ensure they can select an egg and sperm with the best chance at surviving. So I guess petrie dish baby or babies lol it is! I will update this blog with our IVF journey and possibly our road to adoption. Whatever it takes, we are in!
In the mean time we have something VERY exciting to look forward to! In 2 weeks we will be travelling to Singapore for the wedding of our very dear friends Shalini and Zee, followed by a whirlwind trip of Thailand, Cambodia and Hong Kong. This will be the perfect getaway and I cannot tell you how excited we are to visit with these dear friends and see them get married!
Goodbye 2015...you piece of sh*t lol...we welcome 2016 with open arms!
One that tested our patience, faith, relationship and personal strength. In this previous post I filled you in on our journey to babies, and unfortunately the update is not what I hoped it would be.
In July, I had my 3rd miscarriage and as I write this I am waiting to schedule our 4th pregnancy to end. To face 2 miscarriages on Christmas, 2 years in a row, has been very difficult, especially when you add in our wedding anniversary on Dec 28th. Overall we have been trying for a year and a half with 4 m.c in the last year.
We have been seeing a fertility specialist for a year, and have done some testing that has revealed nothing. This current pregnancy has gone the furthest, I should be 9 weeks, although the baby has not developed to that level and while we had a heart beat last week, today there was not one. We see the Dr. tomorrow (NYE lol) to find out what we do to end this pregnancy - D and C or the pills.
I have felt numb, detached, and nearly inconsolable. 2015 should have been sponsored by Kleenex.
This should have been our announcement in January....
I share this because infertility and miscarriage loss is a lonely, lonely place. I have found a few bloggers who have shared their journey and I have found that the most comforting of all. (If you are interested check out A Slice of Style.) Although, we are also very lucky to have many amazing friends and family who have been very supportive. I believe the only way to survive such a trying experience is to be open, because this is not something you can get through on your own. Thank you to my family and friends who have been there for us this last year. I am sure they may have had no idea what to say, but you didn't need to, just being there, giving a hug is all that we have needed.
So...now what? At our last appointment with the specialist we asked, if this doesn't work - then what? As the planner in me needed Plan B. He suggested that we move straight to IVF to ensure they can select an egg and sperm with the best chance at surviving. So I guess petrie dish baby or babies lol it is! I will update this blog with our IVF journey and possibly our road to adoption. Whatever it takes, we are in!
In the mean time we have something VERY exciting to look forward to! In 2 weeks we will be travelling to Singapore for the wedding of our very dear friends Shalini and Zee, followed by a whirlwind trip of Thailand, Cambodia and Hong Kong. This will be the perfect getaway and I cannot tell you how excited we are to visit with these dear friends and see them get married!
Goodbye 2015...you piece of sh*t lol...we welcome 2016 with open arms!
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