Tea Party Themed Baby Shower

Well this is long overdue, but better late than never!

This fall I helped to host a baby shower in honour of my sister Christina and niece/God Daughter, Emilia.

My sister has always LOVED tea parties. The women in my family are tea party obsessed, any chance my sister gets to go for high tea at a fancy hotel she does (okay, so do I). Earlier this year when I went to New York, my sister sent me on a mission to get the tea menu from the Plaza hotel.  I ended up getting the insides, but 2 visits and 3 asks later, this is all I was able to get. She was also after the pretty pink hardcover it sat it. I knew when it came to planning her baby shower that this tea party theme would be perfect! Thankfully, I also have a team of amazing women (my mom, aunts, and pseudo- aunts) that helped pull it all together.

We opted to hold the shower at a beautiful bed and breakfast where my sister and her husband spent their wedding night. It's a gorgeous character home called McVivcar Manor, and it was the perfect setting for this event.

I created the invitations through Paperless Post. It was easy, cost effective, efficient and not to mention beautiful. You can see we set the time for only two hours. We did this as a) nobody wants to give up an entire afternoon to go to a shower b) mama and baby are tired and the more efficient and less drawn out the event, the better!

I strongly believe that for a good event you need to have drinks and food ready as soon as people walk in so that is exactly what we did. For the menu we served a berries and cream, tea sandwiches, scones and jam and danties. You can see the full list in the menu/program I made below.

Instead of a guest book, I bought the hard cover book Eloise so it was also a keepsake. The guests signed their messages on different pages and we also chose a page at random for a door prize.

As I am one for efficiency and with only 2 hours, we also stayed away from doing a lot of games. We had a quiz on each place setting if people wanted to participate and for a little fun we had a basket of diapers that we asked people to fill out a funny or loving message to the parents. This was a real hoot, as some of the messages were hilarious; we read them out and gave prizes to the funniest ones.

It was a very lovely afternoon and Christina and Emilia loved it, although Emilia slept through most of it. Here are some pictures...

I LOVE this, I found the idea online and made it i PowerPoint. It sat at the entrance and now Mia has it in her room. 

The guest of honour...taking a little nap!

Grandma and her girls

My aunts, grandma, mom, sister, niece and cousin after the shower (ignore my mom's shoes haha)! Love these ladies so much!

If I'm being honest...thoughts on infertility

If I'm being honest this infertility journey of ours sucks the big one.

Sometimes it sucks less, like when I see friends having to give up fun time for kid duties or when their kids are crying and screaming, but mostly it just sucks.

It's this pain that's right there, barely below the surface, and one wrong thought or look at something baby related and the tears leak. I say leak because I often can't feel them or stop them, they just leak out like my heart is crying and my head can't stop them.

Lately, I question whether I want children at all and then I question, is that only because of this situation? I truly don't know. I am a very optimistic person so then I think maybe this is just the way it is?

I have developed a strange relationship with baby things. Most people can relate to seeing a baby outfit or cute toy and getting the warm feeling of excitement and wonder and joy. Well, that's gone for me, now I feel emptiness, detachment and a little bit of hate. Does this go away? 

I am scared about IVF because I already know all about the joy of finding out you're pregnant, but sadly I also know about the fear that comes with losing 4 pregnancies. I fear that if IVF does work for us, I won't feel the joy and there will be no excitement for us. Will I like baby stuff again? Will it make me happy? Will I have an attachment to the baby?

I watch friends with all their innocent happiness in complete baby mode and envy their journey that seems so effortless. Every time I see a baby announcement on social media, it feels like a punch in the gut. I wonder if we will get to use one someday or will it just be another unused one? Will I get the chance to complain about a  #babybump  or brag about #bestbabyever ?

I do feel joy and excitement for friends and family and their babies, but I also feel pain. If our situation was different, would I know what to say to say to someone in our position? I am not sure I would, it's pretty impossible to understand if you haven't been through it. That being said, I feel a deep appreciation to our friends and family who make such an effort for us. I hope our situation opens your eyes to what others may be going through and makes you sensitive to people's unknown situations.

I am not trying to say it's all bad because it's not. This journey has strengthened our relationship and made us so open and unbelievably caring and understanding of each other. We have made a point to spoil ourselves and make the best of our summer and time together and for this, I am truly grateful!

Our next steps are to dig through a giant stack of IVF contracts and sign a hundred pages, get training on all the medications and processes and wait for our date to begin (we hear this fall/winter).

I hesitate in posting this one as I feel vulnerable and negative and I know other people may be going through worse. I also don't want to take away from anyone's joy of their babies and pregnancies #debbiedowneralert. Daily, we are reminded of how lucky we are for everything we have, especially with what is going on in the world today. I am thankful for a million things in our lives, but this blog is my outlet for being honest and open, and if I'm really being honest, I just need to say one last time, infertility sucks and it's hard and I hurt.

Baby Update; our trip to the fertility clinic

Last week was our long awaited appointment with the fertility/multiple miscarriage expert and I am happy to say we have a plan, although it's not exactly what we were hoping for.

Arriving at the clinic was very surreal, Jeff and I were having a great weekend away and I kind of forgot the reason for our trip, until we stepped off the elevator at the clinic; let me tell you shit got real, really fast.

It was a strange place, so many people and doctors running all over the place and couples of all sorts waiting. We sat down to wait for our appointment, surrounded by huge brochures on infertility yoga, coping with loss, counseling services, IVF, IVF with genetic screening, IUI, apple fritters and coffee, while Katy Perry -Firework played on repeat (or maybe it just felt like it was). A couple beside us went in for their appointment and shortly later came back, the girl sat in the chair next to me just sobbing. Then another lady went up to the desk to ask some questions, just pouring with tears.

It was one of those super strange experiences where you almost have an out of body moment. As we sat there amoungst the sobs, Katy Perry, fritters and overwhelming information, I thought to myself..."so this is our story eh...not how I saw this baby thing playing out."

I know I am not the first person to go through this, it was just that moment of realizing we were actually there, at a fertility clinic, awaiting our news.

And for the record I have an idea for fertility clinics. Hold the fritters #aintnobodyneedafritter and give me some puppies to hang out with before/between appointments. I would have had a very different experience if instead of crying women and depressing brochures, there was this in the corner of the waiting room...

Bucket of puppies!

I digress...it was our turn to go meet the Dr., who took one look at our file and said "humf, I usually don't see patients of Dr.X until the OR room for ivf." Then he left the room. Jeff and I sat there thinking, what the efff.

He came back and we quickly realized he is one of these older Dr.s who says exactly what they are thinking with zero filter, although that's not necessarily a bad thing.  He then explained that there is no reason someone my age with good health has had all these miscarriages. The last one was lost because of a genetic abnormality, but we don't know about the others. He told me I have PCOM, which he said is like PCOS, but with the only symptom being hyper stimulated follicles. So I was at least happy to have found some possible cause...although in the last 5 mins of our appointment he said "ohh wait you don't have PCOM, your scan was normal." WTF?! lol

We almost should have brought a 3rd party note taker who isn't emotionally or directly tied to our situation to brief us on the appointment, after the appointment haha

The Dr recommended that we do IVF with genetic testing, as this will be our best chance for a healthy baby(ies). We are still learning all about the process and everything it will involve and more importantly for our date to start. Thankfully the Ontario government recently started funding (as in January 2016) 1 round of IVF, which is amazing, but as you can imagine the list is already quite lengthy. We should hear in a couple weeks when our start date will be between January and March 2017.

Being the non patient person I am, this was the hardest part for me, I really don't want to wait so long, but then again I am sure time will go by very quickly. When I told my grandma everything she said "don't even worry, because it's already been written." I will just have to remind myself this as I try and be patient.

In very exciting news, we become Godparents in May which is the greatest honour in the world, to my life long friend Amanda's son George! One of my best friend's had baby girl named Autumn in March, which I cannot wait to spoil all summer, when they get back to town and my sister is pregnant with a little girl expected in August  - so very very very exciting times ahead!

Optimism 101: Baby Update

1 month post miscarriage and I am finally feeling like myself again and in the spirit of that, here is everything I am loving about NOT being pregnant right now (I call it Optimism 101)

- drinking WINE 

- eating spiced meats with wine

- having energy

- drinking WINE

- hot baths

- eating raw cookie dough

- not wondering if I can or cannot eat something
- going snowboarding

- feeling goooood! 

For now, we are going to try and enjoy every minute of this!

I ended up having a d&c in January, which compared to the miscarriages i've had at home, was surprisingly pleasant, you wake up and its just over. This is not to say I wasn't heart broken, empty and a hormonal disaster, because I sure was, but I had the most amazing team of doctors and nurses and with my mother by my side. I could not have been in better hands!

Recently new is the ability for doctors to send the fetus away for testing to see if their was a genetic abnormality. Our doc. has no luck with his patients even getting a result, however last Friday, after I completely forgot about this I got a call from him saying they did get a result and it was a genetic abnormality - Trisomy 16. It happens in 1% of pregnancies...1bloody percent! (I feel like I'm winning the shit lottery) lol There is no telling what happened with the other ones, but it may have been the same (I should buy a lottery ticket). The good news is that this means I am not left wondering if its something with me like needing more progesterone or taking aspirin etc, its something I could have done nothing about.

Our doctor says there is nothing to say our next pregnancy wouldn't be normal, but then again after 4 we aren't ready to find out. He is sending us to meet with a Fertility Dr in April who specializes in multiple miscarriages. He will do some testing and our doctor thinks he will either recommend rolling the dice and trying again or genetic IVF. Which means not only a petrie dish baby...but petrie dish baby where you hand select and screen the ingredients. The IVF process seems so far away, expensive and intense - so for now imma just drink my wine in the hot tub with spiced meats and raw cookie dough haha ;) maybe not in that order! 

Trip Recap and Shalini's Wedding coming soon! 

Happy Valentine's Weekend!

So long 2015...looking forward to a brighter, better 2016!

Well this has been a year...

One that tested our patience, faith, relationship and personal strength. In this previous post I filled you in on our journey to babies, and unfortunately the update is not what I hoped it would be.

In July, I had my 3rd miscarriage and as I write this I am waiting to schedule our 4th pregnancy to end. To face 2 miscarriages on Christmas, 2 years in a row, has been very difficult, especially when you add in our wedding anniversary on Dec 28th. Overall we have been trying for a year and a half with 4 m.c in the last year.

We have been seeing a fertility specialist for a year, and have done some testing that has revealed nothing. This current pregnancy has gone the furthest, I should be 9 weeks, although the baby has not developed to that level and while we had a heart beat last week, today there was not one. We see the Dr. tomorrow (NYE lol) to find out what we do to end this pregnancy - D and C or the pills.

I have felt numb, detached, and nearly inconsolable. 2015 should have been sponsored by Kleenex.

This should have been our announcement in January....



I share this because infertility and miscarriage loss is a lonely, lonely place. I have found a few bloggers who have shared their journey and I have found that the most comforting of all. (If you are interested check out A Slice of Style.) Although, we are also very lucky to have many amazing friends and family who have been very supportive. I believe the only way to survive such a trying experience is to be open, because this is not something you can get through on your own. Thank you to my family and friends who have been there for us this last year. I am sure they may have had no idea what to say, but you didn't need to,  just being there, giving a hug is all that we have needed.

So...now what? At our last appointment with the specialist we asked, if this doesn't work - then what? As the planner in me needed Plan B. He suggested that we move straight to IVF to ensure they can select an egg and sperm with the best chance at surviving. So I guess petrie dish baby or babies lol it is! I will update this blog with our IVF journey and possibly our road to adoption. Whatever it takes, we are in!

In the mean time we have something VERY exciting to look forward to! In 2 weeks we will be travelling to Singapore for the wedding of our very dear friends Shalini and Zee, followed by a whirlwind trip of Thailand, Cambodia and Hong Kong. This will be the perfect getaway and I cannot tell you how excited we are to visit with these dear friends and see them get married!

Goodbye 2015...you piece of sh*t lol...we welcome 2016 with open arms!

Babies?

Time for a serious topic...Babies...or in my case lack there of. Before I start my story, I am going to preface it with why I am sharing. I am sharing because what I found during our journey is that the challenge of getting pregnant, the pain of miscarriage, and the entire process seems to be hush hush. In talking with friends, I know I am not alone and I hope by sharing my story it brings comfort or perhaps even support for anyone else in a similar situation.

This goes without saying, but I am not an expert, this is just my experience...(It may be TMI so beware).

I have always wanted to be a mother, I hated Barbies, I wanted to play with baby dolls! I also knew I wanted to enjoy married life for a little while before trying...this bring us to last September, when we starting "trying."

It all seemed really straight forward to me... remove the goalie and go for it...several months later with no luck and lots of research I started to realize exactly how little I know about how fertility really works and really how perfect the timing must be to become pregnant. (Things they don't tell you and probably for the best when growing up).

I have many lucky friends who became pregnant as soon as they started trying, even my mom warned of getting pregnant as soon as we started. However this was not our story. #fuck lol

Months of wasting money on pregnancy tests later, I was baking with my Grandmother and I thought hey...why not waste another $15 and take a test (can anyone relate to the money wasted on these? argh lol). I was expecting a negative result so I took it mid baking to get it over with, but as I looked over I saw the faintest line and I ran out of the bathroom yelling "holy sh*t Grandma Max I think I'm pregnant!" We laughed and cried and ran out to buy an expensive test, the one that tells you the weeks. I came home excitedly and took it to find a result I could not argue "Pregnant 5 weeks."

I was over the moon. Anyways who knows me, knows that Christmas is my favourite time of year so this was just the icing on the cake. I decided since it was only 5 days before Christmas that I would wait to surprise Jeff with the news as his present. I kept the news between me and Grandma, as I began googling, predicting the date, booking midwife appointments and planning all relevant dates and most of 2015. (I guess this is why I am a event planner...I can't turn off the planning). I joined website groups and looked at maternity stuff  - I was all over that pregnancy shit.

I already had Jeff's gifts, so I thought this would be an extra little gift at the end to surprise him with, I bought him a few books "So you are going to be a dad," a baby name book (to have fun with on our trip for our 1st anniversary) and a dad's guide to surviving pregnancy.

It was so tough to hold this secret in, especially because I was feeling tired and nauseous, but I did it! Christmas eve came and went and since Christmas day was full of 5 trips back and forth to different family events Jeff and I decided to open our presents that night. After he was done opening his gifts, I  grabbed the books all wrapped up and said "opps here is one more thing I forgot" - I played it so cool. He opened it up and was in total shock. It was such a special moment, such excitement and happiness. We went to sleep in utter bliss.

Christmas morning we made breakfast and Jeff took some cheesy Christmas belly bump photos to start my journaling of the pregnancy. Sometime in the afternoon horrific cramping began...and then a little bleeding. Unfortunately, I had to attend 3 more family parties and act like everything was fine while in pure fear of what might be happening. The midwives were closed, so I could only speak to Telehealth that night and the nurse seemed to think it would be all fine. I knew in my heart it was not right and the cramping and bleeding continued. On boxing day we were leaving for our 1st Anniversary trip up the North Shore to go skiing...so off we went as I bled and cramped and turned down a dark hole of raging hormones and terrible cramping pain. I was miserable. Happy Anniversary #not

It was truly crushing. The timing of Christmas only built it up further and made it more depressing especially when you add in our Anniversary trip. Needless to say January was a dark month...those hormones are no joke. I honestly did not feel like myself at all. I was also truly grieving and fixated on our loss and surrounded by reminders and haunted by the first belly pics and baby books. I know it was early and I have come to learn it is common, however this does not take away the sadness of going through it. I am so thankful for my gem of a husband who held my hand every step of the way. We made it to the end of February, when on a whim I took another pregnancy test and found out we were expecting again! I told Jeff right away this time, but this time I was leery. This time I vowed to go slow. This time I did not take any pictures.

I have been seeing a fertility specialist so we went to visit him to confirm things and I had blood work and was scheduled for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Once again we were overjoyed. Good friends of ours told us they were expecting so my husband got excited and shared our news...this led to lots of plotting and planning and eventually my planner filled up with all the important dates and milestones and I even ordered a few baby outfits and maternity clothing items.

A few weeks later I started bleeding a little bit... after having one miscarriage you automatically go to worse case scenario so I was really worried. A few days later I was told to go to emerge where they did blood work and an ultrasound and the ultrasound tech said growth was behind but okay. After meeting with the doctor later he said it wasn't looking good and to expect that the pregnancy would terminate. I made it to the car ride home before breaking down into a total mess.

A week and a half later nothing had happened, we saw the specialist again and he confirmed hcg levels were not growing like they should so I should prepare myself for the pregnancy to end. It was especially hard because it wasn't ending itself and I was trying to stay positive just in case, plus at 8 weeks it was hard to let go. However, at this point I had the option of having a D and C or taking pills...I opted for pills. If only to control that I could do it on the weekend and be at home with Jeff.

The hormones really throw you for a loop and again it was over a month before I began to feel like myself again. The sadness of loosing 2 pregnancies was/is a lot to hold on to. Appologies to the person who said sometime during this mess "so when you are guys going to have a baby?!"-  hormones + pain let her face the wrath of my honesty over what had happened lol, but really she learned the hard way why you don't ask people this question.

This time I told my family what happened as I needed the support. I had to return maternity clothes, erase all the dates in my calendar and let it all go. I am so thankful for all of our friends and family that were there to support us and again to my husband, without which I would not have made it through this. I also had a wonderful friend who had experienced a miscarriage herself and was an amazing support. It was hard for friends and family who had not experienced a miscarriage to know what to say, and honestly there is not much to say. Its hard to describe if you haven't been through it.

I know people go through worse and I know compared to others my experience may be nothing, but for us it was awful, but we are stronger for it and I hope and pray I am able to get pregnant and stay pregnant again soon.

For anyone going through anything like this I send you love and hugs and if I can help or be there for a chat please feel free to message me. I truly believe that if more woman talked about this and shared their experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly it would be easier for us all.

xo