If I'm being honest...thoughts on infertility

If I'm being honest this infertility journey of ours sucks the big one.

Sometimes it sucks less, like when I see friends having to give up fun time for kid duties or when their kids are crying and screaming, but mostly it just sucks.

It's this pain that's right there, barely below the surface, and one wrong thought or look at something baby related and the tears leak. I say leak because I often can't feel them or stop them, they just leak out like my heart is crying and my head can't stop them.

Lately, I question whether I want children at all and then I question, is that only because of this situation? I truly don't know. I am a very optimistic person so then I think maybe this is just the way it is?

I have developed a strange relationship with baby things. Most people can relate to seeing a baby outfit or cute toy and getting the warm feeling of excitement and wonder and joy. Well, that's gone for me, now I feel emptiness, detachment and a little bit of hate. Does this go away? 

I am scared about IVF because I already know all about the joy of finding out you're pregnant, but sadly I also know about the fear that comes with losing 4 pregnancies. I fear that if IVF does work for us, I won't feel the joy and there will be no excitement for us. Will I like baby stuff again? Will it make me happy? Will I have an attachment to the baby?

I watch friends with all their innocent happiness in complete baby mode and envy their journey that seems so effortless. Every time I see a baby announcement on social media, it feels like a punch in the gut. I wonder if we will get to use one someday or will it just be another unused one? Will I get the chance to complain about a  #babybump  or brag about #bestbabyever ?

I do feel joy and excitement for friends and family and their babies, but I also feel pain. If our situation was different, would I know what to say to say to someone in our position? I am not sure I would, it's pretty impossible to understand if you haven't been through it. That being said, I feel a deep appreciation to our friends and family who make such an effort for us. I hope our situation opens your eyes to what others may be going through and makes you sensitive to people's unknown situations.

I am not trying to say it's all bad because it's not. This journey has strengthened our relationship and made us so open and unbelievably caring and understanding of each other. We have made a point to spoil ourselves and make the best of our summer and time together and for this, I am truly grateful!

Our next steps are to dig through a giant stack of IVF contracts and sign a hundred pages, get training on all the medications and processes and wait for our date to begin (we hear this fall/winter).

I hesitate in posting this one as I feel vulnerable and negative and I know other people may be going through worse. I also don't want to take away from anyone's joy of their babies and pregnancies #debbiedowneralert. Daily, we are reminded of how lucky we are for everything we have, especially with what is going on in the world today. I am thankful for a million things in our lives, but this blog is my outlet for being honest and open, and if I'm really being honest, I just need to say one last time, infertility sucks and it's hard and I hurt.