If I'm being honest...thoughts on infertility

If I'm being honest this infertility journey of ours sucks the big one.

Sometimes it sucks less, like when I see friends having to give up fun time for kid duties or when their kids are crying and screaming, but mostly it just sucks.

It's this pain that's right there, barely below the surface, and one wrong thought or look at something baby related and the tears leak. I say leak because I often can't feel them or stop them, they just leak out like my heart is crying and my head can't stop them.

Lately, I question whether I want children at all and then I question, is that only because of this situation? I truly don't know. I am a very optimistic person so then I think maybe this is just the way it is?

I have developed a strange relationship with baby things. Most people can relate to seeing a baby outfit or cute toy and getting the warm feeling of excitement and wonder and joy. Well, that's gone for me, now I feel emptiness, detachment and a little bit of hate. Does this go away? 

I am scared about IVF because I already know all about the joy of finding out you're pregnant, but sadly I also know about the fear that comes with losing 4 pregnancies. I fear that if IVF does work for us, I won't feel the joy and there will be no excitement for us. Will I like baby stuff again? Will it make me happy? Will I have an attachment to the baby?

I watch friends with all their innocent happiness in complete baby mode and envy their journey that seems so effortless. Every time I see a baby announcement on social media, it feels like a punch in the gut. I wonder if we will get to use one someday or will it just be another unused one? Will I get the chance to complain about a  #babybump  or brag about #bestbabyever ?

I do feel joy and excitement for friends and family and their babies, but I also feel pain. If our situation was different, would I know what to say to say to someone in our position? I am not sure I would, it's pretty impossible to understand if you haven't been through it. That being said, I feel a deep appreciation to our friends and family who make such an effort for us. I hope our situation opens your eyes to what others may be going through and makes you sensitive to people's unknown situations.

I am not trying to say it's all bad because it's not. This journey has strengthened our relationship and made us so open and unbelievably caring and understanding of each other. We have made a point to spoil ourselves and make the best of our summer and time together and for this, I am truly grateful!

Our next steps are to dig through a giant stack of IVF contracts and sign a hundred pages, get training on all the medications and processes and wait for our date to begin (we hear this fall/winter).

I hesitate in posting this one as I feel vulnerable and negative and I know other people may be going through worse. I also don't want to take away from anyone's joy of their babies and pregnancies #debbiedowneralert. Daily, we are reminded of how lucky we are for everything we have, especially with what is going on in the world today. I am thankful for a million things in our lives, but this blog is my outlet for being honest and open, and if I'm really being honest, I just need to say one last time, infertility sucks and it's hard and I hurt.

Homemade Pesto

If there is one thing you try making this summer, let it be pesto. Nothing is easier or will be more delicious compared to store bought.

Ingredients:
2 cups of fresh basil leaves
1/4 -1/2 cup of olive oil
handful of nuts or seeds (pine nuts, cashews, pistachios, I used pumpkin seeds)
1/4 cup of Parmesan cheese
6 fresh garlic scapes (or 2 garlic cloves)
salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Rinse and pat dry the basil leaves and garlic scapes. Place all ingredients in a blender or food processor and voila! It will make lots, but if you keep it in a sealed container in the fridge it will be good for six months. You really cannot go wrong, just add ingredients as you keep tasting, you can even add some spinach. 

So go forth and blend, blend it real good!

Peanut Lime Chicken with Cold Rice Noodles

My friend Nadia is an amazing chef, who always makes delicious, out of the ordinary meals; she's my #chefspiration. She made me this dish below and it left me craving it for two weeks, until I ventured to make it myself. I posted a picture on Instagram and many friends have been asking me for the recipe, so I thought I would do a quick post about it.
 
I didn't reinvent the wheel so I'll pass you on to the fancy lady that made this recipe so good -  Smitten Kitchen.

The only changes I did make were that I used chicken breasts instead of thighs and I ran out of fish sauce for the peanut sauce and it still tasted delicious! The mint is a must for toppings because it adds the perfect finish to all of the flavours!  This recipe can take awhile if you do all the parts at once, so I would recommend marinating the chicken and making the sauces the day before to save yourself some time.

Bottom line - just make this, it will not disappoint!

Assembly line of ingredients

All ready to eat!

What's in my: fridge? (the non-celebrity version)

I always think its fun to see what other people have in their fridges, so I thought I would share mine with you today. Like everyone else, our fridge has been slowly overtaken by condiments, and mostly those that we needed for a recipe once and haven't used since, or all those fun hot sauces people brought us back from vacations (thank you to those friends but *EAR MUFFS*) we've never even opened most of them. I think our fridge is reaching 75% condiments.

New to my summer goal list -  Operation: Take Back the Fridge

My preference is to have a fairly empty fridge, so that I can see exactly what is inside and make use of everything. I also feel overwhelmed when it is full. My mother always had  has an overstuffed fridge and this makes me crazy *sorry mom.*  

Before I show you mine, I must declare that my fridge envy award goes to Yolanda Foster:

Is this real life? #fridgeenvy

On second thought, I feel like it may have been a bad call to show hers first. If that was my fridge I would be so healthy, but also probably miserable...let's be real, she clearly doesn't abide by my golden rule - A cookie a day.

 Argh I guess time to share my fridge, this is pre-organization last night:

Overly cramped side door

Messy Inside- condiments galore! 

AFTER my sort and purge (still not sparkling like Yolanda's haha)

Not a dramatic transformation via picture,but you should see it in person - like whoa ;)

Just how I like it! Not much there, but able to see everything

Things you can always find in our fridge:

- Coconut milk
- Greek yogurt
- Extra old cheddar cheese
- 1-2 cartons of eggs
- Berries of some sort
- Hummus
- Salsa
- Extra butter ready for baking
- Granny Smith apples
- Limes/Lemons
- Spinach
- Veggies (usually broccoli and whatever is in season/looks good - currently beans, zucchini, carrots,)
- leftovers of current meal
- lunch container ready for the next day
- as my grandma would say, some sort of snacker-dacker - currently peanut butter protein bites (recipe here)
- And if I'm being honest - usually a bottle of Kim Crawford, a bottle of Baileys and some club soda

(The blue ball thing you see in the crisper is a vegetable life extender...not sure if they make a difference, but I like to pretend they do.)

So I guess this post leaves my open to do a series of what's in my...? Maybe up next, what's in my purse, because we all know a women's purse is a bottomless pit of randomness!