Babies?

Time for a serious topic...Babies...or in my case lack there of. Before I start my story, I am going to preface it with why I am sharing. I am sharing because what I found during our journey is that the challenge of getting pregnant, the pain of miscarriage, and the entire process seems to be hush hush. In talking with friends, I know I am not alone and I hope by sharing my story it brings comfort or perhaps even support for anyone else in a similar situation.

This goes without saying, but I am not an expert, this is just my experience...(It may be TMI so beware).

I have always wanted to be a mother, I hated Barbies, I wanted to play with baby dolls! I also knew I wanted to enjoy married life for a little while before trying...this bring us to last September, when we starting "trying."

It all seemed really straight forward to me... remove the goalie and go for it...several months later with no luck and lots of research I started to realize exactly how little I know about how fertility really works and really how perfect the timing must be to become pregnant. (Things they don't tell you and probably for the best when growing up).

I have many lucky friends who became pregnant as soon as they started trying, even my mom warned of getting pregnant as soon as we started. However this was not our story. #fuck lol

Months of wasting money on pregnancy tests later, I was baking with my Grandmother and I thought hey...why not waste another $15 and take a test (can anyone relate to the money wasted on these? argh lol). I was expecting a negative result so I took it mid baking to get it over with, but as I looked over I saw the faintest line and I ran out of the bathroom yelling "holy sh*t Grandma Max I think I'm pregnant!" We laughed and cried and ran out to buy an expensive test, the one that tells you the weeks. I came home excitedly and took it to find a result I could not argue "Pregnant 5 weeks."

I was over the moon. Anyways who knows me, knows that Christmas is my favourite time of year so this was just the icing on the cake. I decided since it was only 5 days before Christmas that I would wait to surprise Jeff with the news as his present. I kept the news between me and Grandma, as I began googling, predicting the date, booking midwife appointments and planning all relevant dates and most of 2015. (I guess this is why I am a event planner...I can't turn off the planning). I joined website groups and looked at maternity stuff  - I was all over that pregnancy shit.

I already had Jeff's gifts, so I thought this would be an extra little gift at the end to surprise him with, I bought him a few books "So you are going to be a dad," a baby name book (to have fun with on our trip for our 1st anniversary) and a dad's guide to surviving pregnancy.

It was so tough to hold this secret in, especially because I was feeling tired and nauseous, but I did it! Christmas eve came and went and since Christmas day was full of 5 trips back and forth to different family events Jeff and I decided to open our presents that night. After he was done opening his gifts, I  grabbed the books all wrapped up and said "opps here is one more thing I forgot" - I played it so cool. He opened it up and was in total shock. It was such a special moment, such excitement and happiness. We went to sleep in utter bliss.

Christmas morning we made breakfast and Jeff took some cheesy Christmas belly bump photos to start my journaling of the pregnancy. Sometime in the afternoon horrific cramping began...and then a little bleeding. Unfortunately, I had to attend 3 more family parties and act like everything was fine while in pure fear of what might be happening. The midwives were closed, so I could only speak to Telehealth that night and the nurse seemed to think it would be all fine. I knew in my heart it was not right and the cramping and bleeding continued. On boxing day we were leaving for our 1st Anniversary trip up the North Shore to go skiing...so off we went as I bled and cramped and turned down a dark hole of raging hormones and terrible cramping pain. I was miserable. Happy Anniversary #not

It was truly crushing. The timing of Christmas only built it up further and made it more depressing especially when you add in our Anniversary trip. Needless to say January was a dark month...those hormones are no joke. I honestly did not feel like myself at all. I was also truly grieving and fixated on our loss and surrounded by reminders and haunted by the first belly pics and baby books. I know it was early and I have come to learn it is common, however this does not take away the sadness of going through it. I am so thankful for my gem of a husband who held my hand every step of the way. We made it to the end of February, when on a whim I took another pregnancy test and found out we were expecting again! I told Jeff right away this time, but this time I was leery. This time I vowed to go slow. This time I did not take any pictures.

I have been seeing a fertility specialist so we went to visit him to confirm things and I had blood work and was scheduled for my first ultrasound at 8 weeks. Once again we were overjoyed. Good friends of ours told us they were expecting so my husband got excited and shared our news...this led to lots of plotting and planning and eventually my planner filled up with all the important dates and milestones and I even ordered a few baby outfits and maternity clothing items.

A few weeks later I started bleeding a little bit... after having one miscarriage you automatically go to worse case scenario so I was really worried. A few days later I was told to go to emerge where they did blood work and an ultrasound and the ultrasound tech said growth was behind but okay. After meeting with the doctor later he said it wasn't looking good and to expect that the pregnancy would terminate. I made it to the car ride home before breaking down into a total mess.

A week and a half later nothing had happened, we saw the specialist again and he confirmed hcg levels were not growing like they should so I should prepare myself for the pregnancy to end. It was especially hard because it wasn't ending itself and I was trying to stay positive just in case, plus at 8 weeks it was hard to let go. However, at this point I had the option of having a D and C or taking pills...I opted for pills. If only to control that I could do it on the weekend and be at home with Jeff.

The hormones really throw you for a loop and again it was over a month before I began to feel like myself again. The sadness of loosing 2 pregnancies was/is a lot to hold on to. Appologies to the person who said sometime during this mess "so when you are guys going to have a baby?!"-  hormones + pain let her face the wrath of my honesty over what had happened lol, but really she learned the hard way why you don't ask people this question.

This time I told my family what happened as I needed the support. I had to return maternity clothes, erase all the dates in my calendar and let it all go. I am so thankful for all of our friends and family that were there to support us and again to my husband, without which I would not have made it through this. I also had a wonderful friend who had experienced a miscarriage herself and was an amazing support. It was hard for friends and family who had not experienced a miscarriage to know what to say, and honestly there is not much to say. Its hard to describe if you haven't been through it.

I know people go through worse and I know compared to others my experience may be nothing, but for us it was awful, but we are stronger for it and I hope and pray I am able to get pregnant and stay pregnant again soon.

For anyone going through anything like this I send you love and hugs and if I can help or be there for a chat please feel free to message me. I truly believe that if more woman talked about this and shared their experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly it would be easier for us all.

xo